Grieving & Togetherness

Today has been a day of intense grieving. Larry awoke with high anxiety and not being able to process what has occurred and what will happen. He(we) still cannot believe that he has terminal cancer. He has been trying so hard to fight off these infections that his cancer has been put to the side.  He is grieving over:
-His fatigue
-His body not giving him a chance with the chemo
-His not being able to complete his summer school classes
-The possibly he is grading his last set of school papers.
-The possibility that his teaching days are done.
-Laura dropping her class again, her depression and not knowing if she can return to school in the fall.
-Larry not able to move forward in his life.
-Our future

I have given him permission to grieve as often as he needs to. He has given me permission to grieve as often as I need to. After a very tough week, we have again found our hugs of togetherness.

It is so very hard for all of us to find the fight, hope and determination of where we were 3 weeks ago. I know that it will come from me when I am able. There have been so many times in the past years that I no longer wanted to be that leader of moving everyone forward. This time I am more tired than ever but still feel that spark inside me. It will again reappear and with my change, hopefully as in the past, the rest of the family will follow.

Overwhelmed

I have not posted lately because I have felt completely overwhelmed with Dr's, nurses and educating myself about Larry's infections. I will write more on that later.

A big THANK YOU to my brother, Len for spending 4 days with us. He was a tremendous help to me. I also know that Larry was very thankful to have a conversation with someone that was not about his health issues. Len spent a great deal of time with Larry that then gave me a break to take care of bills, house stuff and medical issues with Larry Kyo and Laura.

Larry came home yesterday. I admit I was not ready for him to come home. I was scared of being able to handle his condition and the probability of our catching his infection. I was not happy that the doctors released him after only 3 days of antibiotic treatment. Yet he is so happy to be here with us that I am calming down and glad to see some peace in his face. This last occurence has taken so much out of him. He is weaker than I have ever seen him. We will work together to help him gain some strength and hopefully put back some of the 20# he has lost.