I am watching my very frail husband get weaker and weaker. He told me this morning as he got out of bed that he would not be leaving the bed in a few days.
I am seeing changes to his skin, coloring and his heart seems to beat so rapidly as I hold my head to his chest in a hug. Today was the first day that he was unable to read. The magnifying glass he asked for the other day was of no help. Larry has the TV on for noise but I see that he is not paying much attention to it.
All the crisis situations, all the stress of the last few months, does not compare to what I am feeling now. I am losing him forever. There is nothing I can do to stop this from happening.
I can do as I promised him and make his last days or weeks as comfortable as possible. He is constantly staring off into a distance. He has a look of fear and disbelief.
Larry is talking even less now. I sit next to him holding his hand and hugging him. No more words are needed. It has all been said.
My heart just aches reading this. I'm so sad for both of you. Love you.
ReplyDeleteMelody, I read this and saw us. Steve is so weak and fatigued, I worry every time he gets up to go to the bathroom. He says, every day, "I'm dying". We now are fighting pain, which is a relatively new symptom ... and of course extreme fatigue and nausea and difficulty eating.
ReplyDeleteHave a scan tomorrow, doctor's appointment Friday. I'm thinking I'll start the hospice process next week. Miss our little group, but should open again soon.
Jo (from PC Caregivers Group).
I prayed for Larry at our services yesterday.
ReplyDeleteMelody,
ReplyDeleteI apologize for not writing earlier. I have thought about you and Larry often, but struggled with what to say and when to say it... do I offer words of encouragement, words of reflection? I cannot know how hard it is for you both, although your blog helps me to understand some of it better. Thank you for keeping us updated during this very difficult time.
The primary thoughts that come to me is simply remembering Larry's influence on my life. Please thank him for me for all his guidance and wisdom over the years. Larry joined our family at a time, at least for me, that I was looking for answers wherever I could find them. He may not think he did anything out of the ordinary, but in my mind, his guidance was always exactly what I needed to hear... at the time I needed to hear it. I appreciate that he always spoke to me as a man when I was growing up, though I was still trying to figure out what it meant to be one. I greatly enjoyed having Larry as my uncle (and my friend) while I was young and impressionable. He made a difference in me, in who I am, and in who I still hope to become. I could never begin to thank him enough, and certainly could never make it through this in person.
I hope that Larry continues to meet his next day with the strength of character and purpose he has always shown me, to whatever that next day may bring. I love and miss you both very much.
Len
My heart breaks for you both. Although we lost touch over time, we have always considered the two of you dear friends. Larry is one of the people I most admire, I have always found him to be an inspiration. He has always been so resolute, setting his mind to what he wants/needs to do and then just doing it. He was that way when I knew him in his college days and first years working and clearly it has never changed.
ReplyDeleteWe saw when we visited how much he changed in three short weeks, clearly this horrible disease has progressed more rapidly than we would have imagined. But still he had an interest in things outside himself, although he could barely speak, he still has a sense of humor.
And I can only imagine how hard it is for you to go through this with him. Your advocacy and strength have made it the best it could be, your ability to maintain the positive outlook that you have and to deal with this horrible new reality in the way that you have proves once again the depth of your love and your strength.
As always, we are here for you in any way at all. And you are both in our prayers every single day.
Melody,
ReplyDeleteAs a former student I cannot thank you enough for having the courage to share your advice and updates on your family. It is greatly appreciated. God bless your entire family.
I am a former student as well. I will always appreciate how funny and charismatic he was in class, and how he always wanted to make sure his students got "the best for their money," right down to the textbook we purchased. He had a unique way of "tricking" his students to truly think about and understand the topics he taught to us--the exam questions "How would you explain accounting to a first grader" and "Should a zoo depreciate a baby dolphin" will forever be two of the best exam questions I've seen. I'm a better in my career because of his ability to push us to think outside the box...Professor Metzger remains one of my favorite professors in my time at Loyola.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my thoughts. Take care and God bless.
Hi Melody,
ReplyDeleteI'm a former accounting student, just like the others above. Professor Metzger is one of my favorite professors, as well. He has meant so much to me academically, as someone so brilliant in accounting, so inspiring, and funny, yet he is such a family man. I'm now a mother myself, and it's funny how I think about him often and all the life lessons that were also present from our accounting lectures/work...his textbooks we used are sitting close by in our family/academic bookshelf right now! Please tell him how he's changed so many lives of young people for the better and what a great person he is. My prayers, thoughts, and heart are with you both.
I don't know you, nor did I know your husband. But this story has broken me to tears and my heart aches knowing that anyone has to go through this. You are strong, and show it in each post. I only wish you the best and know you have a perfect angel looking down on you from heaven, keeping an eye out for you.
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