Falling

I have a lot of fears. They enter my mind at the oddest times. They come and go throughout the day. The worst is when these fears visit me in my dreams or during the middle of the night when I find myself awake. All I can do is tell myself that I am safe and that I am doing the best that I can do taking care of my husband.

One of the fears I had spoken to Larry about a few times over the last 2 months is the possibility of his falling. He could not see himself that weak and told me it would never happen. Tonight he found himself more depressed as one more bodily function is failing him.

He fell this evening on the ceramic tile in the bathroom while getting up off the toilet. As I already knew, I was unable to lift him or move him-could not budge him. His fall was before he took his bedtime meds. After all visitors had returned home. After my brother who was staying with us for the past two nights had left. After our son had left for downtown. Just me with him on the floor.

His face showed the panic he was feeling. Since I could not move him, I got down on the floor with him. I rubbed his back and talked to him for about 10 minutes until I could hear his breath become calmer. I then asked him if he felt he could lift himself up with his arms to a chair I brought in. He was able to do that after a lot of difficulty. He sat for another 10 minutes while I again tried to calm him. He finally was able to stand and with his walker made it to his hospital bed.

I still do not know if he hurt himself. He seemed to be able to move ok after. Tomorrow I will know more. He does not want to return to the hospital. I am praying that nothing was broken.

After his meds, our praying together and my reading a bible passage, he asked me what I thought the quickest way was for him to die.

I asked him if he really wanted to know that or was he just reacting to his fall. He told me he was ready to die but did not know how to do it. I stated that his body may not be ready yet even if his mind was. Larry just does not want to linger on in the state he is in.

I had been told by a hospice nurse that if he stopped drinking liquids his body would shut down in about a week. I was not ever going to share that with Larry. I had decided that they could tell him if they wanted and it should not come from me. What a difference a few days make.

It is amazing how my decisions have continued to reverse themselves throughout this experience. When I shared the information with Larry, he cringed. So, did he really want the information? Or was he just reacting to a very bad day. I told him he was not ready for that and never had to make that choice.
I moved his bottle of morphine upstairs.

My heart is broken watching him endure this slow degredation.