Month of June, 2012, Part 1

6/4/12 

Met with the Gastro Dr. who actually brought Larry's CT and MRI films up on his laptop to show us what it all looked like. The MRI cyst looked a lot bigger than what we had in our minds. I am not a professional but still have had quite a few images shown to me on my own health. I commented that the cyst looked like it was also in his stomach area. He looked at the radiologist report again and said no, brought the film back up and maneuvered it a little. "Are you sure it is not in the stomach?" He said he needed to perform an ultrasound guided endoscopy to see everything clearly. Told us there was no rush and to make an appt that is convenient for us. As we were walking out Larry and I looked at each other and both said, let's get this done asap. We were very concerned. The endoscopy was scheduled for Friday, June 8th. This day began our nights of not sleeping. 

Sleepless nights and.....

6/7/12

Jim, no Justin, just can't get this guy's name right, arrived with some of my landscape plantings. He told me that he would finish everything on Friday, June 8th. I explained that Larry was having an endoscopy and that I would not be around until the afternoon. Yes I was nervous. Nervous about Larry's test and also about not being around for the 2nd day of plantings. Being awake most of the night is not helping matters. 

A Diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer

6/8/12

We had an unsettling feeling after leaving the Dr's office this past Monday. I asked my son, Larry Kyo, if he would go with us for the biopsy. I was reassured that our Dr seemed to have the skill and used the latest technology. Also, he would have a pathologist in the operating room to make a preliminary diagnosis. 

When Larry was in the recovery room and sitting up we were called in. The Dr. came to talk to us. The news was horrible. The preliminary diagnosis was Pancreatic Cancer in the pancreas, stomach and liver.

How did we go from a cyst to malignant cancer?  Why did 45 days pass from his fall to this diagnosis? Why wasn’t anyone concerned?

Oh God, this cannot be happening to us! Hasn't our family been through enough and suffered enough in the last 7 years????

The three of us return home (I have no memory of even driving home) to buckets of tears and hugs. We sit and cannot move. We are frozen in time of disbelief. Larry/Dad is the healthy one. He runs, he doesn't get colds, no flu, has never been sick. Only one hospital procedure, for his parathyroid 12 yrs ago, where he complained that he didn't even get a meal.  

How are we suppose to sleep? We don't. We are up all night walking around the house, our brains in overdrive. Finally Larry takes an advil pm and gets to sleep. It is not working for me.

I hear my son come home around 1am. This is the first time I see him drunk. I hold the garbage can while he vomits his fear. I tuck him in to the couch with his garbage can beside him. This will be a very long road of denial versus reality for my son.
  
Everything has been harder for my children throughout their life. Being adopted means feeling the pain of questions without any answers. This diagnosis for their Dad means having to bring forward, that deep, mostly hidden pain. How cannot I not cry. 

Primal Scream

6/9/12

I leave to pick up my daughter, Laura, from the train station to come home. I am tied in knots having to tell her. I refused to tell her on the phone. When I saw her walk over to the car, when I saw her face, it was obvious she already knew it was bad. I did not want to give her the news in the car, yet she already guessed. It was the longest drive home.

Laura had gotten very close to her Dad since attending school. She visited him often in his office at school. She even had him as a teacher for a day. He would listen to her intently as she struggled through her classes. He would take her out to eat and for ice cream. It has truly been a special two years for them. I was very happy that this happened. How brutal this all is for her. 

Why is it I always seem to cry in my car? So many times horrible news has been given in my car. Has God followed me to my car during these times? I am so angry at him. Sharing this with Larry, he reminds me that he believes that God is a woman!

I again cannot sleep. It is 3am and the pain is just whirling inside me. I know what a panic attack feels like. I wake up Laura and ask her to take me for a drive. I wake up Larry Kyo and ask him to take me for a drive. Neither stir, they turn over and go back to sleep. I know better than to get behind the wheel myself.

I cannot breath on this warm night. I go into my car and let out a primal scream. It seems like it goes on forever. I then take my box of tissue with me and walk in my nightgown, up and down the block, cursing God, until the daylight breaks. 

Can we please wake up from this horrible nightmare!

6/10/12

We both awake to tears at the realization of what has happened.
Can we please wake up from this horrible nightmare?
No, it is real. Every morning now, whenever we awake, the pain punches our stomach and heart.  

Group Hugs

6/11/12

Larry received the official diagnosis by phone this morning at 10am. Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, Terminal. 

I cannot explain the deep seated pit of the stomach pain for us and our son and daughter. Fear, Panic, Sadness, Disbelief,  rolled up into a ball and placed inside all of us.

We had many many group hugs.

Phone Calls

6/11/12

I go to the internet and stay there for 6 hours. By the end of the day, I have made 6 Dr appts with Pancreatic Cancer specialists at all the area hospitals. All said the same-they were double booked.
I told them we needed to get in this week. A few would not give me an appt without a Dr referral. So I told them that our Dr. referred us, often just naming a Dr who popped into my head.
Many said that they needed the Dr to call them. I told them that we did not have that kind of time with this cancer and fibbed that he was on vacation. Worked for all the hospitals except for Northwestern and Loyola which said we had to wait for the following week. They did however get us an appt. 

6/13/12

Our first appts today. We saw a surgeon at LGH that was recommended to us by Larry's doctor. He gave us more bad news.  Surgery is not an option once pancreatic cancer has spread to the liver. Even though he is not an oncologist he spent time with us about options. He told Larry that if he had the diagnosis he would do nothing. He told him that he could go to Florida for a few months and enjoy himself until symptoms became a problem. He actually had some patients who did that.

We left more depressed than ever. I told Larry that it was his choice on what he does and that I would support him with whatever decision he made.


In the afternoon, another Surgeon this time at Northwest Community Hospital. The same response, no surgery once it has spread. He did however, call an oncologist and had us go directly to see him. 


Why have Oncologists become sales people? He spent an hour trying to convince us to sign up now. We both liked this Dr and he was using the latest Folfirinox chemo cocktail. We have never been to this hospital but it is close to home. They took the time to see us without an appt. This is definitely an option.